Kendall Payne: the news

Well it's as official as it gets! Confirmed by pee tests, blood tests and ultra sounds... I GOT A BUN IN MY OVEN!!!!! And we couldn't be more excited! Just wanted to make the official announcement! (Due next spring... early april) YIPEE!!!

Hey Friends!

Well, I told you I'd let you know the MINUTE it was available, and that is precisely what I'm doing!

The long awaited album "Wounds to Scars" is officially released!!!

(whooooo hooooo!!! I can hear you cheering along with me! Really, I can! Smile)

Right now it's just in digital download-able form at cdbaby.com but that's only because the hard copies (the actual cd's) are still in-route and will get there in a day or two. Don't worry, I will drop you a line when they get there to remind you.

So, if you're a digital person (like me) follow this link...

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kpayne6
and your life will be forever changed in incalculable ways!!! Haha. Well, maybe that's a 'squidge' dramatic, but you'll at least have some cool new music.

You'll be hearing from me again real real soon when hard-copies arrive. Or you could pre-order right now and it will be shipped the moment they are in stock.


I love ya!
Now go support your favorite red-headed independent artist!!!
-Kendall Payne



www.kendallpayne.com
www.facebook.com/kendallpayne
www.twitter.com/kendall_payne

I have all the classic symptoms:
Overview- Postpartum depression is moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth.

Symptoms- Most of the symptoms are the same as in major depression. In addition to depressed mood, you may have the following symptoms nearly every day:
• Agitation and irritability- (I totally have this!!! Just ask Tyler, my husband)
• Decreased appetite (Well, not really this one unfortunately)
• Difficulty concentrating or thinking (Does it count if I suffer from this year round???)
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt (Not the guilt, but worthlessness- absolutely!)
• Feeling withdrawn, socially isolated, or unconnected (funny how this feeling washes over you, even though I’m connected online to so many people… still you can feel so alone)
• Lack of pleasure in all or most activities (Yes! I keep trying to look forward to things but they just make me feel bored and unmotivated.)
• Loss of energy experienced (kinda, I guess. I’m more energetic than the average person so it’s hard to tell that I’ve got less energy cause I’m usually bouncing off the walls)
• Negative feelings toward the baby (Sometimes I’ll listen to my album and think it’s the best thing ever and then sometimes I’ll listen to it and literally say to myself, “who am I kidding??”)
• Trouble sleeping (Can’t fall asleep at night but don’t want to get up in the morning!)


So here’s the scoop, I think I am suffering from postpartum depression. There’s only one problem with this diagnosis, I don’t have a baby. But I’ve decided that making an album (writing all the songs, recording them and then the final push to put it out in the world) is a lot like the process of gestation and then a giving birth. So that is what makes me think I’ve got it. I’m not mocking, I swear! I’m being totally serious!

I hate being such a downer, I’m normally "Miss Positive"! I’ve been so grateful for all your feedback on my new website and a lot of people have commented that they like the more “smiley” pictures, not so much the serious ones. And that has really made me start thinking about my music (the topics and feelings I write about) and the public persona I project to the world.

For the most part I’m a happy-go-lucky sort of gal, but then there’s seasons of my life when I am not ‘feeling it’. Seasons when I get down in the dumps. Seasons when I loose motivation for things I used to enjoy. Seasons when boredom overwhelms me and I don’t feel creative or inspired whatsoever. These seasons scare me and every time they descend upon me I wonder if they will ever lift. They always do, but for a few days (or weeks) it can feel like a dark vortex sucking me down. Often times that’s where my deepest songs come from.

And now that I’ve recorded 6 albums, I know with some certainty that these feelings are part-and-parcel of my own experience. I thought with gearing up to release “wounds to scars” I was going slide by without any negative repercussions, but here I am. And it's funny because I only get depressed BEFORE the actual release, once it's out there, I seem to go back to normal. I think that has to do with my own unfulfilled expectations and desire to be valuable in the music world. (and that is of course defined by my very skewed interpretation of the term 'valuable') It's primal fears, the desire to feel significant, all that basic psych stuff that I'm already aware of and working through.

There is a popular therapist who has a radio program that people often call into and ask how to “fix” their feelings. One of my favorite things she says is, “Well, that sounds pretty normal, and unfortunately, I can’t cure normal.” What a wonderful and depressing sentiment- “You can’t cure normal.”

What is left to do then? Endure it, I guess. Endure the normal ups and downs of life. And allow the process to make you grow wide within yourself, grow more acquainted with your own personality. Though it’s not glamorous, it’s important work to do. Trust me, I don’t like it anymore than you do. I wish there was a pill or piece of advice to turn it all around. But it seems to be a slow and deliberate uphill climb, one that makes you stronger , smarter and deeper in the end.

But, I must say, I do feel a little bit better getting this off my chest! ☺
Thanks for reading!
Much love,
kendall

As you can tell, or maybe you can't cause you've never been here before... but I've got a NEW WEBSITE!!! And I'm loving it! So much cooler than the last one.

New albums call for new websites. They say you gotta keep re-inventing yourself I guess. But actually, that's not true at all in my case! In fact, "Wounds to Scars" is classic Kendall. Haunting melodies with meaningful lyrics. That's what I've always done best, and I'm sticking to it.

So...'yay' for new things and 'yay' for things that stay the same!
Much love,
kp

Got this email last week from the superstar KRIS LOVE (a music director of a radio station in Knoxville Tennessee) If you live there or know anyone who does, call in and request it!

Hey Kendall,

So this week, Because of the huge success we've had at our AC station, we are adding the song to our older and more established CHR station, Love 89 (It has about 70,000 listeners to Life 88.3's 30,000). Plus this add will show up in all the trades since Love 89 is a reporter to all of them. Thanks for making such great music, record label or not.

--
-Kris Love

Love 89.1 Mornings/Music Director
Life 88.3 Music Director

865-521-8910 Ext 224

1621 E Magnolia Ave
Knoxville, TN 37917

Listen Live at www.love89.org
Listen Live at www.life883.org

Well yesterday I did something big, brave and kinda stupid. I went to a casting call for a reality television show called “The next food network star”. It’s on the Food Network. It seems so silly when I think about it, I’m an amateur (at best) cook, with no culinary school or restaurant experience to my name. Why would I audition for this? Because I love food, and love people, I love entertaining and all three made me think for a brief moment that I would be a likely candidate for this show.

I didn’t get a call back, and I am surprisingly saddened. I know enough to realize my sadness is not just about this particular rejection. But it stems from a much deeper rejection. I know I’m not alone in this feeling, and so I will try to explain where I’m coming from, trusting that you have one or two similar experiences. These are the things that shape us, that wound us, that cause us to need God and cause us to be disappointed with God.

When I first started singing, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was my destiny to become one of ‘The Greats”. And at a young age I wrapped that general belief in myself up with a ‘name-it and claim-it’ faith. When I was dropped from Capitol Records I began, for the first time to doubt. Doubt myself, my talent, my overly simplistic view of God. Everything went under the microscope, and I have never fully recovered.

It feels like no one has ever believed in me since those days. Of course, my Husband, Mom and Dad, family and friends have but no-one on a professional level. No label, no manager, no booking agent has ever pursued me. I still don’t know why that is, and it has taken a considerable toll on my ego. It makes me feel like I’m alone in the world. That I alone am responsible for making it happen.

When we doubt ourselves it shakes the foundations of everything. I have wondered so many times if I am just fooling myself because if I were really all that good, wouldn’t someone want to represent me? Wouldn’t someone see my potential and say, “I am going to make a star out of you!” Wouldn’t someone believe in me enough to want to work with me? Because what I have rationalized is that, if I were as good as I think I am, then yes, someone would seek me out.

Instead I have sought everyone out, and I feel tired of doing that. Its like asking someone on a date over and over, and being rejected over and over. It begins to make you feel worthless and undesirable.


Last year a friend of mine and I went to San Francisco to audition for American Idol. It’s not like you think, there was no Simon, Paula or Randy. There was 10,000 people crammed into an auditorium, after hours of promo filming they lead each section down to the middle of the arena. 10 tables, divided by black clothes spanned the length of the floor. We were put into rows of 4. When it was finally your turn to sing, you stepped up, sing maybe a chorus length of a song, they interrupt you and say, “thank you” then you step back and the next person in line gets up to sing.

It was mortifying, degrading and I regret doing it. Oh and I didn’t even make it through that round!!! I walked out of the building with so much sadness and self doubt. Yes, I’ve made a living for the last decade as a singer. I’ve had music featured on television shows and films. I have toured with famous people and still, this moment made me doubt everything, once again.

There will be a song on my upcoming album entitled “Idol”- you can guess where the inspiration came for that one.

Anyways, maybe now you can understand a fraction more of why yesterday was such a big deal for me. Putting myself at someone else’s mercy, admitting (by auditioning) that I wanted something. And even if it wasn’t right timing or the right fit for me, it still hurts to want something and not get it.

The problem is, it makes me want to do only that which is in my control. I have such an insatiable optimism that anything is possible. And in general I feel that life has worked out for me with that philosophy. I like things to happen to me. Because for some reason in my head I rationalize that means it was “meant to be”. If I make it happen, then maybe it’s not real. For example, if you get a new haircut and a stranger stops you in the street and says, “WOW! Your haircut is AWESOME!” you feel all the more confident because it’s unsolicited. When you go home and say to your husband, “I just got a hair cut, do you like it?” he HAS to say yes.

This concept of “meant to be” is really hard for me to let go of. It’s hard for me to untangle my spiritual perspective from it also. If God wants something to happen, he makes it happen, right? Then why do children die, or are molested or are kidnapped? See, it’s just not that black and white, but for some reason it’s just so hard for me to accept the grays.

And that is where I am right now, a little sad. A little wanting to put my PJ’s on, crawl into bed and watch everything recorded on my DVR, and pretend that I don’t care. But I do care. And sometimes that is hard to admit, that we care about something. Not sure how to end this, but thought I’d post it just because I haven’t posted anything in so long. Hope it didn’t bore you.
Much love,
kp

I have finally gotten around to putting up a facebook fan site.

Simply search "Kendall Payne" then a whole bunch of people will show up that are not me.

Go to the bottom of the page and type in the email address kendall@kendallpayne.com then you will see me with a black background. That is the new Facebook Fan Page.

Be my friend and spread the word, all are welcome, the more the merrier!

-kp

Rest easy friends, the lyric below does indeed have a melody now and if I do say so myself, it's really good! :-)

You'll just have to wait until the next record comes out to hear it though!

Sorry! :-)
Much love,
kp

This is a lyric I wrote, but it didn't really fit a melody. So I guess it's more like a poem. I still really like the idea though so I thought I'd post it here. Leave me a message in the guestbook area to let me know what you think!


He gave us plenty, plenty to share; and the good sense to know what’s fair
He gave us power The knowledge of right He gave us strength to brave a fight
So we have no excuse and no defense
There is not one that can plead innocent
We have a state of shameful tolerance
And so you pray to God asking Him to intervene
To set it right, to stand up for the weak and the unseen
And still you pray to God ask Him what He’s gonna do
He might ask the same of you
He gave us resource, more than enough to fill both hearts and hunger up
He gave us Jesus who died to proclaim “As you have seen in me do the same”
So we have no excuse and no defense
There is not one that can plead innocent
We have a state of shameful tolerance
And so we pray to God with our days from dust to dust
Is there a better world to have? It seems there must (be)
And still we pray to God, when will He make it just?
He might ask the same of us

There are three things I hate:

#1. Heat. Hotness. Being hot. Being stuck in a hot place and not being able to get away from it. Which includes sitting in or being exposed to direct sunlight.

#2. Traffic. Sitting in it. When there is no logical reason for it. Just because some looky-lou decided to hit their breaks and cause a chain reaction of hundrededs of cars who will then have to sit in the hot direct sunlight for an additional hour when it should only take 15 minutes.

#3. Spam. Nasty, stupid, annoying, takes-me-20-minutes-to-erase-it-all, spam in my guestbook. I'm told it happens because my website is SO popular and gets so much traffic that the spamers of the world are drawn to it like moths to a flame... but honestly I don't think I'm that popular.

And oh yea, I hate Supermodels too.. but that goes without saying.

:-)

Well, if you've looked a little around the site, you'll realize I've done a little 'housekeeping'. In an attempt to make 2009 a spectacular year for Kendall Payne Enterprises (I don't really have an enterprise, it just sounded cool) I know I need to keep my peeps up-to-date on the happenings in my world. So I'm trying to be better about posting info and photos and music.

Remember, I'm always available via email: kendall@kendallpayne.com and I'd love to come to your church, school, coffee shop or living room!

And sign up on my mailing list to receive fun emails from me. And get your friends to sign up too!

In the meantime, hope you're having a stellar 2009!

Much love,
KP

Christmas has come EARLY!
For those of you who digitally download your music!!!

It is official; BOTH my new albums are available for digital download RIGHT NOW!!!

Just got to www.digstation.com/kendallpayne and you’ll see them. To purchase, click on the album and follow the instructions. You’ll have to sign up really quick and enter your credit card info, but it is SAFE AND LEGAL so don’t you worry your little head. Then it’s a matter of minutes before it’s blasting through your speakers! YAY!!!

If you’ve been totally out of the loop, here’s the scoop! In July of 2008 I recorded two new albums. I rented out a church for a week, on the first Sunday I played a live worship concert for a couple hundred of my friends and fans, I repeated that recording the next Sunday just to make sure we got everything we needed…. That album is now called “That’s Why There’s Grace” It’s a live worship album filled with songs that I (didn’t write- except the title track, but never the less) love!

Monday-Saturday of that recording week, I decided to make a Christmas album. No use wasting all that fancy equipment, right? For 3 years now every December my husband, Tyler, and I have hosted a “Christmas-Carol-Sing-a-long” party, where all of our nearest and dearest gather round the piano and sing the classics. It was my dream to recreate this ‘feeling’ on the cd. So there aren’t any ‘bells and whistles’ on this album, just vocal and piano, and I LOVE it!!!

Some of you aren’t digital downloading people, and your saying right about now, but I want to hold the cd in my hands and look at the pretty pictures and read the liner notes! So to you I say, I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to wait another week. (sniff sniff) BUT, I PROMISE I’ll let you know the SECOND it’s available in hard copy form. You’ll receive another email just like this one, but with more info. CDBaby is my online distributor and it just takes them longer to get things up and running. And for those of you who are partial to itunes, sadly it takes about a month and ½ to get everything up on itunes, soooooo…. I suggest checking out www.digstation.com/kendallpayne Ahhhh the joys of being an independent artist! What can I say?

Well, I guess I CAN say I’m glad to be an artist of any kind, independent or not! I am truly blessed to have you all in my ‘life’; you who support my musical endeavors. I do hope you enjoy these two new records, they both come straight from my heart!

Enjoy! and much love,
Kendall Payne (aka Kp)

Ok, here's the deal, You are going to LOVE LOVE LOVE the two new albums that are coming out. But I want to prepare you that it won't be any 'original' KP songs. With the exception of one called "That's Why There's Grace". Anyways, here's the list.

On the worship album, these are the covers I did:

You Never Let Go
Heart of Worship
Wonderful Cross
How Great is Our God
One
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
Child of God
Here I am to Worship
Blessed Be Your Name
Instruments of Peace

And on the Christmas album, these are the covers I did:

O Come All Ye Faithful
Hark the Herald Angels Sing
Angels We have heard on High
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
Joy to the World
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
What child is This
Jingle Bells
Deck the Halls
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
I'll be Home for Christmas
O Holy Night
Silent Night
Away in a Manger

I'll give you more stories and info soon. Just thought you'd like to know what songs to look forward to.

Much love,
KP

Hey!
Ok, here's the scoop:
You know when you build or remodel a house, they say to take the original budget you want to pay and the original time line you expect it to be done by and then... double it. Well that's where I'm at! haha.
Good news is this, today I sent everything off to the manufacturer. Which means my records are officially 15 business days away from being in my hot little hands.
I will tell you more as the date nears. And I promise to be better at updating you... Pro-mise!
Much love,
-Kp

Here’s the dealeo-yo! While on vacation a month ago, my hubby and I started discussing ‘Career Goals and Dreams’ a favorite topic of his, but for me, a topic fraught with insecurities and tremendous guesswork. Being an independent artist is sometimes a dream come true, and sometimes a living nightmare. But I digress…

I told him that before I ‘hang up my microphone’ there are two kinds of albums I’d really love to have accredited to my name. One: a Christmas album and Two: a worship album.

It was not more than a week later that a friend of mine contacted me about leading a worship night at his church. I shot him back an email and said; ”Have you ever recorded a night like that?” “As a matter of fact, yes!” he said “And the recordings sound awesome!”

The plan was hatched! A live worship album! Set to be recorded on July 20th 2008 at Calvary Church in the Pacific Palisades (If you live in the area, PLEASE come and be a part of the congregation! Info on my website www.kendallpayne.com)

While discussing the details, my sound engineer reminded me that I couldn’t rent all the gear we’d need just for one night. He said it’s rented on a weekly rate. Then he said, why don’t we record your Christmas album during that time? That way it will be ready to be released November 1st (which is the technically the first legal day to listen to x-mas music)

So there you go! It is official! You will be hearing about TWO new Kendall Payne recordings in 2008! First to release will be a live worship album and then a Christmas album! Are you soooooo excited??? I sure am! More details to follow in the coming months! Keep checking in on my website for the latest news.

Much Much Love,
Kendall

Hey Everyone,

As you have come to know and trust, I don't often send messages to
those of you on my email list. As such, when I do it means what I
have to say is tremendously important to me.

That said, I need your help and support. Many of you know my husband
is a pediatrician at Childrens Hospital Los Angeles and is pursuing a
career in the care of children who suffer from cystic fibrosis and
research towards better treatments and ultimately a cure.

Cystic fibrosis is one of the most common genetic diseases that
results in the body's production of thick mucus which leads to
life-threatening lung infections. Children with this horrendous
disease truly suffer and struggle to survive on literally a daily
basis.

Through the great efforts of the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and
physicians and researchers like my husband children with cystic
fibrosis have seen a dramatic improvement in their quality of life and
survival. However, we are far from ending their terrible suffering
and the abbreviation of their precious lives.

Each year the Foundation hosts a walk to raise support towards this
end. If you feel moved to join me and my husband in support of this
desperate need and the lives of these special children please visit
http://www.cff.org/Great_Strides/TylerKrohn and make your
tax-deductible donation. Every single bit, even $5, makes a
tremendous difference!

Much love,
Kp

What an incredible artist Griffin House is. If you're not familiar with him, please do yourself a favor and buy a record today!!!

This is a link to a video of his that is really touching. Hope you enjoy it.
Kp

http://im.nettwerk.com/karina/GriffinHouse_IRemember-editedvers-400k.mov
A note from the artist himself:
In America, it's really important that people understand the song as a memorial to our soldiers. Most blue collar people who have heard the song in the states, who have friends or family in the military hear the song as a celebration. I want it to be presented that way and not as a protest or un-patriotic anthem. I know you already get that completely. I'm just tryingto say, thanks for championing this video, I am really really proud of it and it feels like me.
-Griffin

Well, tonight I'm having Christmas Eve dinner at the hospital becuase my husband is a doctor and he's on call tonight! But I wanted to send out a Merry Christmas message to everyone who will be checking in. I hope you're having a great night wherever you are. And I promise a bunch of updates will be coming soon... and new pic's!

Much Love,
Kendall

So last week my song played on Grey’s Anatomy. Quite exciting stuff for an independent artist, right? Right! But here’s what I’ve learned, if I’ve learned anything at all, it NEVER happens the way you want or imagine it should.

For starters, I didn’t even get to see the show air that night. I was driving from our home in Southern California to Northern California while the Grey’s was on. My husband Tyler was sleeping in the car because he had been on call at the hospital all night. So I’m all alone, listening to my book on cd, thinking to myself, “Millions of people are listening to me right now and I’m nowhere near a television to hear how I sound!”

Then I get a call the next day informing me that “I will show you love” is the number one song on the iTunes folk charts! And “Paper Skin” is the number one album!!! I was shopping at Macy’s at Union Square in San Fran when I got the call. I hurried back to my hotel because I desperately wanted to see my face in the number one slot, sadly the internet would not work. I spent the most frustrating 2 hours of my life on the phone with the hotels I.T. department trying to figure out how to make my wireless work. It never did.

We finally return home after a long weekend and Monday night is the first opportunity I get to sit down with a glass of wine and watch this glorious moment. We recently got a DVR/Tivo unit installed and had set it to record the show. With much anticipation and very little patience, we fast forward through the first 55 minutes and knowing the song was in the last scene we stopped it at the appropriate time.

Wafting through the airwaves it came, and it was truly beautiful… UNTIL, the recording stopped. The DVR/Tivo unit had decided the show was over and it cut the last 2 minutes of the show off. I sat suspended on the couch, unable to verbalize the shock, sadness and humor of the moment.

What I’ve learned about these defining moments, (like having a song featured on Grey’s Anatomy) is that they don’t define me anymore. For so many people, these moments do define them. And maybe in the past they would have defined me. But now, through all the ups and downs of the music business and the spiritual, emotional and relational growth I’ve endured, I am infinitely more comfortable being defined by the small seemingly insignificant moments.

I’m starting to believe that “the winner” is just the last one standing, and if nothing more, I can say this with full confidence… I’m still standing.

Much Love,
Kendall

Hey Everyone,

I just got the great news that Grey's Anatomy will be using the song "I Will Show You Love" from my new album Paper Skin. It will be a prominent use in next week's episode on October 25th.

Enjoy!

They like me, they really, really like me!!! Okay, enough with the cheesy, cliched Sally Field impression.

Seriously though, I just found out that I won the 2007 ASCAP Sammy Cahn Award!!! It's a prestigious achievement in songwriting whose past recipients include John Mayer!

Check out this review by Kevan Breitinger.

http://www.cmcentral.com/reviews/7043.html
It's pretty great!!!

Hey!

Check out this link to a great article on "Yours Truly".

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7508
My friend Matthew Paul Turner asked some good questions!

Paper Skin is available for sale on iTunes!

My new album 'Paper Skin' has just been uploaded to CDBaby.com. Here's the link...
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/kpayne2 Tell all your friends and family immediately! And don't forget to pick one up for yourself!

Hope you LOVE it.
Kp